Unlike most people, I'm actually ready to grow up.
I’m so excited for the family I’m going to have when I grow up. I’ll have an amazing husband, no less than five kids who one day will have kids of there own, expanding our cute clan of awesome people who love eachother. It won’t be like my family I have right now. My siblings constantly fight, my sisters are piss offs, my dad is home one weekend out of the month, and it’s obviouse that my mother treats me differently. And they wonder why I’m out of the house constantly, and they wonder why I freak the fuck out if I’m home to long. I mean, there’s alot I could do to make my home life better. But when I do try it fails. So I try not wasting my time.
My family will be nothing like that, I think I’ll be an amazing mother. And a freaking legit grandmother. My family may not have everything, but we’ll have eachother. And I’m incredibally anxious, and ready to feel that love in my home, that I’ve been waiting for<3
“…she covered her eyes with her hands and cried, tears seeped between her fingers and collected in the little webs, she cried and cried and cried, there weren’t any napkins nearby so I ripped the page from the book— ‘I don’t speak. I’m sorry.’ —and used it to dry her cheeks, my explanation and apology ran down her face like mascara…”—
Thomas Schell; Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
I appreciate that you think of me as someone who really impacted your life, But I think I deserve more than another Tumbr post, I loved you. And I felt like our friendship ment much more to have such such a sudden ending with no reasoning at all. So if you really want me to know the impact I made in your life, and if you really want me too believe I saved you, please, please show something with a bit more sincerity, and much more meaning than a tumblr post that made me bawl my eyes out. I’m happy I could be the one who kept you breathing, but don’t make me feel like my efforts weren’t worth a simple explanation.
I’ve always felt like I was a unwanted. Because that’s how I was born. I understand it’s an amazing thing too be adopted, and it was an wonderful too be able to be the daughter to my adoptive mother that she couldn’t have herself. But it isent a good feeling that someone could give you up. I don’t know how easy or hard it was for my birth mother, but it happened. I don’t normally take the jokes about this topic to offence, it really doesn’t bother me. I mean partially, they’re true. And it’s not a good feeling to have all the time.
So ever since I was a child, I was afraid or being left by myself.. I hate being alone, and I fear all the time I’m going to loose people that mean the most. Because I have.
When I feel a true connection with someone, I try to be there for them the best I can be. And I expect the same in return whether I choose to take it or not. I know that I can be a caring person, but it’s hard for me because I don’t want to let my guard down. I don’t want people seeing the vulnerable side of me, I don’t like people knowing my thoughts.
This post isent about feeling sorry for myself because I’m adopted. It’s pretty bitchin that I got the family I got. I love them and my life would defiantly be the pitts if it never happened. But you know You can’t just be rid of those feelings that you were unwanted. And that my birth mother didnt care enought about me too put away her syringe, and quit the cocaine for nine months. I never want to be like her, so engulffed in something to disastrous.
I saw a girl I was walking behind at school. And yeauh she’s an awkward, shy, quiet and a more standoffish girl. And I was walking with my friend and this girl gets stopped by three Guys. And asthough it was rehearsed these boys spun in a circle, snapped, clapped, and pointed at this girl and said “You are fucking ugly” in unison. Like I said it seemed asthough rehearsed. And I was awestruck. It wasent even said too me and I right there, wanted to cry. I was too in shock to even do anything. In front of the school this girl was just humiliated. And before I could even say anything to her she was gone.
It disgusts me the scum I go to school with. People are so insecure they have to knock others down. And ever since I witnessed that, I made a self-change to be kind to people. I’m working so hard to do it. Boys, don’t ever talk down to a girl the way they did. Naturally it would never even cross someones mind to do that. People are cruel, and I can’t even fathom how this girl felt. A girls insecurities are not something to mess with, jackasses.
When I was a little girl I thought I was so invincible… and when I was older you know like sixth seventh and eighth grade I knew exactly what I wanted.. It was when I had a full of understanding about what sex really was and how important it really is. And the true consequence in not following the guidelines I’ve been givin.
And It’s super sad that since I’ve entered high school I really have thrown all my morals and goals out the window. Mother and Father told me as soon as I got out of Jr High that people are the weakest during there teen years, and they probably would of never thought that I would do all the things I have. Mother silently worries about me all the time, I can tell when she’s fretting. And she should. I’ve been fucking up since I was thirteen. I’ve been doing things I said I would never ever do in my life.
I’m hardly ever happy with myself. And the only reason why is because I’ve disappointed myself ever since I could remember.
I never would of thought I’d become friends with the worst kind of people, and although I’ve cut myself off from them I still have the awful habits I did before even with the great people I surround myself with today.
I never thought I’d have premarital sex, and love it.
I never thought I’d ever experiment with drugs, and Love it.
I never thought I’d have such doubt in the things I’ve always known to be true, and not put the effort in to feel the happiness I once felt again.
And I never, ever thought my decisions I’ve made would stop me from being with someone I’ve never wanted more. Some one who wants someone “pure” and that wasn’t me. This is the closest thing I’ve ever felt to “love” or some shit like that and too know that one mistake, that made me feel disgusting dirty and worthless would be the thing to stop you from being with me.
I’ve stopped doing the behaviors that have torn me apart, but It’s an everyday struggle. Something I can’t get rid of.
I just want to be close to god again, I want to be happy like my parents.