Rude mummy, you're lucky I don't give a rats ass about what you think.
This morning I complained to mother about how my pants didnt fit anymore. her response ”Well maybe if you did anything with yourself you’d loose weight, and fit back into them. But all you do it lay around.”
Before I could even say: they’re too big.
She’s been telling me things about how I need too loose weight since grade four, her comments don’t mean shit to me by grade Eleven. I think I look fine<3
Remember that one time you were so lost, and felt so broken you were gonna take your stupid lighter.. to your stupid wrist? And I actually caring about you told you to STOP. Remember when you had that “other” best friend who had that cool little emotional connection with you.. you know.. the emotional connection you two built up, treating me like I could never connect with you guys like that because I wasn’t emotionally unstable? Remember when it came down to those awful nights you could hardly handle, those nights you burned yourself all over, only too show me the next day.. And it really only showed me that I, failed at helping you. But things got better.. remember? Because you finally listened too me. I finally felt as though things were looking up, and remember when that “other” best friend never told you too stop hurting yourself as I did. She needed someone too feel pain with, when all I wanted was for you too see what I saw in you. I beautiful girl who needed the right words. Remember when I drew birds on your wrist? and told them each bird sybolized someone they loved? I put me and D right on the top, for we cared for you most. With your mother, the physco that put you through all this pain, but you knew she loved you, your spitfire little sister that only wanted the best for you, God, and the best bird of all, youself. I’m just glad too see it worked, or i trusted you when you said it did.
Your mother thought it was for attention, bradning youself. And when the burns got sorse and worse that I could see the ENTIRE outline on the light you used is when I began stressing. It consumed my whole night.. Making sure you were okay, not hurting. I can’t even count how many nights I straight stayed up through waiting for you too call/text me back after a threat to burn. And when you finally did weather the news being good or bad we cried through it together. I knew you were a special bein. I worried about you more than anyone I’ve ever met, you were too precious of a soul too watch die.
But you died on your own. I couldent help you at all anymore. You stopped burning, cool. But you started throwing everyone that has ever cared about you away, including me. Who cared the most. Give me a reason that isent something coming out of a hoses ass, and I’ll be happy for you.. Bur until then..
CONGATULATIONS you fucking bitch, you lost all of that in one, indirect conversation. How dare you say I was never there.. I’m the only one that ever cared.
I throw some harsh blows too people, I mean I know exactly how to make a person feel low. I don’t do things mildly when I want someone to feel like something scum wouldn’t even touch, I hit hard. And I know it, I find it entertaining alotof the time. I think it gets my point across. Whether I have a reason or not I purely think it’s hilarious. People tell me I’m wrong all the time, you know the friends that don’t really matter.. But think I’ll listen and care? They should know better.
I’m not an asshole, I just over due things.. I don’t nessasarally look for things to pick on people about but I’m too much of a prideful person too really have some sensitivity to even think twice about what I say and how I say it. And I definatally havent climbed down from my high horse too apoligize to anyone recently. Even too my best friend who is definatally one of the most sensitive people I know, But that shouldnt be something I prey on.. It should be something I take care of. I mean I don’t always understand why she’s always having some sort of emotional craze of some kind, but it could be worse. She could be a stone cold bitch with no feeling at all, at least this girl feels, cares, and it comfortable with who she is. And for that, mad respect.
Be patient with me Gail, I try to be kind to your emotions. I feel bad everytime.
I believe that the worst loneliness is not loving yourself. I wish you loved you, like I do.
Theres this kid, right? And I absolutly adore him. I tell him everyday. He’s an incredibally funny kid, tends too brighten my day. Definatally an original. But he dosent try and hide how he hurts. he dosent cover his self inflicted cutts, if anything he exposed them not for attention but too show other people how much he hurts. He dosent exactly open up too me personally, but I know more than he thinks. I try too make him feel as special as possible so he knows that theres much more out there than the things that make him so outrageously depressed. This specific person is one of the reasons why I don’t surface my problems. Because I don’t have chemical inbalance in my brain, or seriouse emotional scarring from my seventeen years of life and kids like himself have it much worse off.
Dear Darling, Those marks are forever and these hard times cannot be the end. You cannot let something so harmful and so destructive control your life and really make this such a horrid habit. I want you to understand that your body, honestly as cheesy as it sounds is a gift from god. And I know you’ve givin up alot of religion but I have not, and I know he loves you. And even through all this you feel like nothing can get you out of this hell, there is.. Self harming may make you temporarily feel better, but I honestly and genuinely need you too know its the most dangerous and destructive way to release your feelings. I noticed your new cut the other day, and honestly I worry about you everyday. Be safe, and know there are better things out there. And I just wish I could tell you how I feel with out feeling so out of place.
He looks all mean, staring at people like he is thinking about killing them in some gruesome way. People know, they know he would like to see them dead or at least dying or something. They cross the street, just so they don’t have to walk past him. He scares them and I can’t blame them. Why is he…
So recently one of my very good friends told me I don’t care, And that I’m too intimidating to talk to because I come off as an emotionless person who thinks feeling is for the dramatic, and talking about your feelings is for people that aren’t strong enough too just endure it. That I’m a to-myself-kinda gal when it comes to myself, the pains in my life and the emotions I feel. And for some reason I’m incredibly bothered by her statement, not because it was true.. But just because the fact that I don’t open up, and it makes me seem like I’m a stone cold bitch when really it’s not how I am. But I am going to try this opening up thing.. But on tumblr. I’m pretty excited, and I think this’ll be good for Me. It’ll probably be stupid, like something about the stupid girl I sit next too in my sixth period, or this bastard who’s been toying with my heart and mind for a year and a half. Whatever it is, i’ve turned tumblr into my own personal cyber diary. Because I feel like if I talked about my problems it’s unimportant, especially since my trials and hardships are much less dramatic, and much less painful that most other humans in this word.